As I turn 27 in sixteen days, I feel this lingering sadness and depression about giving the state another birthday of mine. I was told recently I was selfish for my aspirations and my resolve to continue to fight for freedom and the people upon release. I have high hopes and dreams, that some people have called grandiose and unrealistic. But I’d rather aim high for the stars, so if I fall I land on a cloud. I’d rather try and fail than not try at all. The sacrifices made in the pursuit of the greater good to me are worth it. Even in my depression about this set, I’m grateful due to the fact that I’ve had the great honor to meet so many inspiring individuals. I’ve had the honor to be a part of a movement that shed light on the injustice system! A movement that produced bills in this state like 819 [OR SB 819, 2021] and Ramos [Ramos v. Louisiana, The Ramos Project], a movement that influenced governors to sign clemencies. So for me, it doesn’t seem a waste, for me, I fought and won — a small win, but one that impacted individuals like my friend DeAngelo Turner, who’s case was overturned due to lack of evidence, when he was only convicted on hearsay and wouldn’t rat on who actually did it. After 31 years, he’s finally gaining freedom, individuals like Rob and Dez, JoJo and GI, guys who’ve given decades to the system now going free.
For me, this set means having the privilege to see the system from the inside to know how best to change it. Until all cages are empty is the goal, though to know what prisoner’s actually want and need is something to strive for. Living here should not be normal, cuz it isn’t, but to make it better is all we can do till that time comes. I remembered stressing how it was unjust to have prisoners fight fires for a dollar a day, but now that I’m in, I’ve learned just how sought after that is. To go to fire camp and do that is a dream: no gate or fences, a real skill for the world and laid back environment. We don’t think about how necessary intimacy is and how not having that physical contact with lovers […] ~ [a portion of this communication was withheld by the prison] ~ […] To have that, just some semblance of normalcy is important. Things to take action to strive for can only really be known from the inside. When we thinking about the campaign to cut DOC’s budget. Great, however, it’s not the DOC that suffers, it’s us: less portions of food, lesser quality, less yard time or phone access, less programs for us. They won’t take from the ridiculous amount of money these glorified turnkeys make, these oppressors whose only contribution to the world is being on the wrong side of history as oppressors… But I digress.
As I approach 27, I am sad but resolved. Its closer to my release an closer to me being able to do more. The goal is to never stop learning or gaining wisdom from others. Hone myself, so that upon release I’m as sharp as can be. It is hard to stay on that course though, I feel myself getting hateful more than anything. Hatred toward the state, the system, sometimes even towards those I care about. Like, if I don’t hear from someone I feel I’m on the backburner and left behind. I know its my abandonment issues, but it’s taxing on my mental. I start to get resentful of how the movement stopped and peoples’ interest dissipated. I become angry. But I must find peace in the fact that everyone ain’t built the same. So as another goes, another year wiser, I am another year resolved. Another year of planning.
So I’ll leave with this quote from Roosevelt:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again, but who does actually strive to do deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid who neither know victory nor defeat.”
That’s been giving me energy lately and keeping me going.