CONTENT WARNING: accounts of bullying, suicide and attempts.
I want to talk about suicide awareness.
I just got done doing a 5k run and event the veterans club up here put together to raise funds and spread awareness. It may not seem like much especially because were behind these walls, but it means a lot to us all and I know for most people it means a lot to you too, because almost everyone has been touched in some way by suicide. I lost friends in the military, I lost two friends in school, I’ve tried taking my life by pills, gun, and opening my wrists, and I was actually part of a cause of someone’s suicide.
Now to give some context to the one I am partly to blame for: gone but not forgotten, he was just an average white kid who went to my elementary school. He was picked on a lot, and when I first moved to that area, I was too. I fought back and eventually became friends with the bullies and picked on other kids with them, him specifically. After a while, I moved again and didn’t see him again until high school. I didn’t actively bully him anymore, but I never apologized or tried to make amends, and I just let him continue to be picked on with the other ostracized kids. I of course had my own things in life going on and dropped out of school, but the next time I heard about him was his parents finding him hanging in the garage. I couldn’t help but feel I was part of his despair because I was.
And so I say that to say this: the awareness part is important, and even if you would NEVER consider suicide as an option, for many of us it seems like the only solution. If I would have stepped up to make amends and step in when he was getting picked on, maybe things would be different, or maybe not, but at the least he would’ve had more a shot. Because you don’t always know where people are at, just that quick check in “how you doing? Are you OK” can go a long way, and genuinely meaning it. I make it a point now and ever to ask and genuinely care when asking how someone is. I’ve been to that dark place, and I helped push someone to that dark place. I’ve been alone and ostracized and did the same to others.
As humans, we can always grow and improve, and one thing that’s really important in our growth and improvement is loving one another. We have to, we’re ALL we have. In a world dominated by capitalism and driven to keep us separated and fighting for scraps, running on the hamster wheel, we MUST RESIST and come together and love one another and have more genuine care and empathy. There’s not a day I don’t think about him and my role I played and how I could’ve and should’ve done better. The idea that I’ll be a good person one day is what makes me strive to keep trying to be. That dark place is real. It’s lonesome, it’s hell, it hurts, and it’s crushing and defeating, but we ALL could use just a hand up, just some help out of that darkness. I suffer from bipolar depression, I’ve been catatonic, I’ve been to the depths of despair, and to be honest, anyone living under capitalism in this world with our ongoing climate crisis — if you can sit and NOT have any sort of anxiety or despair. well maybe there’s something off lol — it just means you care, and a lot of times caring hurts.
I don’t want to drone on about my attempts, but I just want to say this, for those considering or wanting to, know that everyone breaks down, everyone falls, you’re not alone, you’re loved and cared for, if by NOBODY else then by me. I care. I don’t know you, but I love you and I want to hold you and see you enjoy life as it’s meant for us. I want to see you at the top with us. To steal a bit of Chester Bennington’s song: “Who cares if one more light goes out in sky of a million stars… I do” — even one light shines and means something. Chester cared, he helped walk me back from that ledge through song, and though I didn’t know him personally, I cried and I miss him. His light will be missed, and if you’re considering it, know that you don’t have to be famous — your light will be missed too.
For those who have already lost a loved one and you’re hurting, know that your light matters, we all have the ability to turn on a small light in a dark room, and even if it only lights one small corner and illuminates one person, it matters. I love you, take care of each other, love each other. Don’t let the bastards win, don’t let them keep us divided — unify and resist in every way. Every breath I continue to draw in here is a fuck you to this place and the establishment as a whole, sometimes my only will to live is to spite them tbh lol. And that’s OK too.
But I digress, I just wanted to talk about suicide awareness in light of our 5k today (which I did in 28 minutes), so hell yea I’ll be doing a half marathon next month — wish me luck! And with any luck we will be able to have more outside guests to come in here an run with us, so reach out if interested. I’ll figure out how to get you on that list or what group you have to go through on the outs. I’d love to see lots or radical leftists running with us next time! Speaking too!
Lastly, if you’re struggling or contemplating or lost a loved one and are struggling to keep going, I think you should read a book called “Beach Music” by Pat Conroy. It’s one of my favorite books and it’s helped me a lot personally. Maybe it won’t do the same for you, but its a great read still, worth a shot to keep your light on longer.
Love, rage, and solidarity — Malik Muhammad