September 17th 2016, the birth of my son was the greatest gift I’ve been given. Yet one I don’t deserve. I never wanted to be a dad or have kids; I was fucked up as a kid so I don’t wanna do it to another human tryna figure out this crazy life. To be charged with the care of this human and pretend to be some “authorityy” about anything to ANYONE but specifically him is wild to me. But mahshallah I’ll find a way cuz Allah saw fit to gift him to me. Ahumduallah but fuck why? Who tf am I?
I cried the day of his party cuz I scrambled and tried for a video visit the prison denied, my gifts I had sent got sent wrong, my family was late to the party, and I just barely got on the phone to sing happy birthday and I wanted to break. I was just like wtf am I doing? I can’t get anything right! Fuck me this time would be so much easier without him!
But also without him my world would be dimmer, the sun wouldn’t kiss as light or warm, rain wouldn’t elate me as it does and the indescribable feeling I get when I see or hear him would be lost. The sheer “awe” of him. His smile and laugh has a direct line to my heart. It could make me scour the earth; raze cities to the ground, traverse the stars, wipe anyone from the face of the planet on his say so alone. Save for becoming a pig or a rat he could do no wrong in my eyes.
Lol. I love him with all I have. And my unyielding adoration for his mom for bringing him into this world for me. Which is a testament in its own right as women are not guaranteed to come back from knocking on death’s door to give childbirth. 8 years ago I watch her push him out and held the two of them and to this day I’d do anything for them. We’re counting down the yrs together. I’ll see you soon son. Idk if there is a “perfect” but when I look at him it’s damn close. I long for the freedom to sit and play and sing music to you and talk for hours or sit in quiet, to share your dreams and experiences! I’ll tell him “that I broke a bone that never healed in my hands when I hold him close”; I might loosen my grip but I will never let him go. I want to hopefully get him to understand that the endeavor I’ve undertaken and path I’ve chosen to go is mine; it’s my walk, it’s my belief and I’ll never stop in this fight for freedom that is constant and my love for liberation and equity is immense and paramount to me. But that I love him more than anything. 
The sacrifices I make are mine; the mistakes are mine to make as his are his; but that in no way negates the unyielding love and loyalty I have to him. The fight I fight is for everyone’s sons, daughters, brothers and sisters and it’s part of my love for him. I won’t go softly into that good night to “hand over” a world that was handed to me by my generation that looked and felt dismal. No I love him and everyone too much for that.
I hope his birthday was good, I know the family got together and he was playing with his friends and cousins and my gifts, or lack there of; I know it will be a footnote in his day. I hope he feels no pain of me not being there. I’ll take that I’ll endure that. That’s on me.
Later when he’s older I’ll describe how it affected me, how it hurts indescribably in a way that can’t be mended or soothed. How jarring and crippling it was to hear the laughter and voices but not be there. Or the sheer panic mode I was in tryna track down his gifts before I just had to accept that he’s not gonna get them on time and I’ve got to calm down. lol it was kinda comical actually. I don’t always know what I’m doing with him or life in here but I will ALWAYS try to fight and persevere and endure cuz that’s what dreamers, anarchists, fathers, sons, and brothers… what HUMANS do.
So happy birthday Amir Iman Muhammad, my faithful prince, my golden boy, my young lion; and even though he hates it MY BABY BOY. I love you and I’ll see you soon. Hopefully will try to fly you and your mom out here next year maybe.
