Malik was recently sent to the segregated unit for refusing water during his fast for Ramadan. Call Oregon State Penitentiary to demand his immediate release to the general population and to respect his right to free religious practice: (503) 378-2453.
“The day you arrive and the day you leave”. That’s what they say prison is, it’s just the day you get here and the day you leave, everything else is filler.
As I sit in the hole again, and likely not for the last time, I’m reminded of how untrue that statement is. Sure, if you’re in the habit of deluding yourself into thinking illogically, it makes sense. But days like today, moments like I had today, exemplify why and how you just feel every day you’re inside. In the hole, you’re in a slightly bigger-than-average cell with a light maintained between the hours of 6:00am and 10:00pm, you’re stuck in your cell all day. Now, we try to look out for each other, assuming you’re a good dude. So we’ll get you a radio, some batteries, point you to people from your unit or race. Get you something to read, etc. But outside of 10 minutes to shower and 30 minutes in a concrete rec room, you’re laying on a mat all day, on a slab of concrete. Believe me, every hour if felt and marked by your meal times.
Now, often people get focused and realigned in the hole, some break down and become “fell freaks”: screaming, cell banging, playing with feces, etc., some use drugs (well, let’s say almost everyone uses drugs), whatever you can get a hold of, whatever breaks up the time, makes it go faster, you’ll try it. I’ve done drugs, I’ve wrote and exercised, got on my prayer schedule, I haven’t freaked and I don’t believe I will since – if I’m being honest with you – I’m built for this. Like, build “Ford tough”, I’m build “Muhammad strong”, or adversity resistant.
Let’s be honest, BIPOC people have long since been made to endure and fight. Mujahadeen, “muslim soldier”, that’s what I am, that’s the cloth I’m cut from. Over the course of your hole time, there are 3 phone days. You can use the phone during rec, however you can only use it AFTER 30 days in, so if you get sentenced to 30 or less (like me), you’re just off the map for 30 days. They’ll say “write a letter”, but to get your address book out of property, it takes 3 weeks. You’re also only given 2 envelopes and a taken-apart pen so as to only give you the ink case… good luck! However, like humans do, we find a way to make the best of the worst. You play chess from 3 cells away, shouting your moves to a player who shouts back. You workout with people, get in debates, try not to argue. And also try to pass drugs, spice, wax, suboxone, crystal, etc.
Anyways, as I sit here, feeling every hour of these 30 days and just off a sobbing fit reading about Gaza and listening to OPB, coupled with random thoughts of what if my mom or son died while I was here, I think to myself, “wow, I got 6 years left, and fuck, it’s felt like forever more”. Guess what, it has been more, literally and figuratively.
First, let’s go break down the judicial process, since lots of people don’t know. When the state arrests or kidnaps you, they take you through a long, drawn out, arduous process called “intake”, during with time they assign you a ransom, or “bail”. This ransom is mostly to do two things: to fund the local municipal police and their militarization; and to keep poor disenfranchised minorities housed and incarcerated, so as to make money off them later. After you’re intake and housing, you’re given the minimum required to accommodate a criminal like yourself (see how I said “like yourself”, the average Joe, not millionaires like Trump). So afterwards come your arraignment — for those of you who don’t watch Law & Order, that’s where you’re hearing charges and your state-appointed litigator negotiates your freedom and ransom. The “unbiased” and impartial party will hear both sides and rule “honestly” – or in other words, put bail out of reach of the defendant, knowing that most families in America aren’t prepared for a month or two of emergency expenses, let alone bail.
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So to recap real quick: you’re kidnapped, ransomed, and given minimal living standards, and given a litigator working for the people who kidnapped you, and you’re being held until the next hearing, all this before even being proven guilty?! So much for innocent until proven guilty.
Now, the state has two tactics that wear down and break even the strongest of hardened criminals (well, except Gotti): diesel therapy, and continuances. The county jail sucks, every single one — imagine prison guards who think they’re cops and heroes and better than you, and multiply that by 10,000, give ‘em badges, guns, deputize them and tell themselves they’re better than everyone – plus, worse living conditions. With an overworked, underpaid litigator, you’re likely to speak with them once a month. Meanwhile, you’re wasting away in jail, the county and it’s phone entity making a killing off you in phone calls, video visits, tablets, commissary, etc. All that, plus your trial is set 3 months out, and subject to change up to the day of, so the state plays the “wait you out” card. Eventually, after waiting years in county, you just wanna get it over with. You and your family are taxed and estranged, so you wanna at least give them a date you’ll be home, so you take whatever offer.
Imagine being kidnapped and told you’ll be held until further notice, and after waiting in shitty conditions, told you’ll be let go but you gotta do X amount of time. It’s mind boggling, and before you say “well, you wouldn’t be under arrest if you didn’t do nothing”, the wrong people get arrested all the time, the right people get arrested at best on bullshit evidence – after all, the state doesn’t need to prove anything to issue a warrant, they can go to your jury (a group of unknown people) and tell them, “this person did this, we know it”. The grand jury will rule that you did that, they’re a rubber stamp.
The next tactic is one they’re famous for with John Gotti: diesel therapy. If the state and/or government have any reason to move you between municipalities/jurisdictions, trust me, they will. Every entity wants its pound of flesh, and they’ll get it. They’ll shuffle you from state to state, jurisdiction to jurisdiction for court dates that make no sense. All just to get your goat. With me, because I was federal and state, they had let me get comfy in county, then moved me to the feds, let me get used to it there, then move me to county for court. They’ll stress how it’s gotta be in person and not virtual. After so long being shipped back and forth, it wears on you, you just wanna get to one place and fucking stay there. So what do you do? Take a deal.
The “criminal injustice system” doesn’t work to right wrongs or protect the community or whatever the fuck, it’s aim is to keep the prison and jails full, to make money for the local municipalities, that’s it, plain and simple.
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Now, to bring it full circle, let’s recap: after you’re kidnapped, ransomed, appointed a negotiator that works for your kidnappers, you’re then staked out and shuffled around for anywhere from 6 months to 3-4 years (the feds is longer, I’ve met someone fighting his case for 7 years). By the time you’re sentenced and sent upstate, it’s been a year at best, but it wears on you, drains you, it feels like years.
So I say all that to say this: there are A LOT of days between when you arrive and when you leave. You see how stress ages you and your family all before even sentencing. Now, for those who will say, “you get credit for the time you been fighting your case”, well, you sometimes do, but if they can get out of giving it to you, they will. Like with me, because I bailed out and paid that unconstitutionally high $2.5 million bail (shout out to the National Freedom Fund), after that I was released for two days before the feds brought charges against me while fighting to resolve my case. I didn’t get credit for the time served in the state because “technically” I was “out on bail” unless I missed it. I remember being incarcerated, being shuttled around and going mad over it all. However, that was how they got out of giving me extra time served. So the year and some change I would have is not there, so by the time I get out, rather than 9.5 years, I’ll have done closer to 11 years.
Which brings me to my main point: fuck, I have felt all these 4 years. Though as it gets close to the halfway point and downward slope, I am thankful that I am making it. Days like today though, in the hole, missing my family, hearing the injustices of the world that I can’t change from in here, in here with only your thoughts, your mind races and darkness sets in. You count the seconds, minutes, hours and me, I pray for my family to be ok not hearing from me, and I let out my sobs and my tears in quiet, so the pigs can’t see. Never let them see your tears, never let them see you fall or break. The days I got sentenced, as the gallery held cops and I had no one, I was determined to not let the DA’s speech get to me, to let them paint me as a terrorist. Fear me, hate me, but know you did not break me. I held my head high, and I will continue to do so and walk tall until I hit these gates and forever more.
That’s the kinda man I will show my son: a proud, strong muslim, so he can be proud of his black arab muslim heritage, but not hate his german heritage either. Instead, accept it and recognize the privilege and the cons of his other half. Also, to temper his fire, keep it stoked and burning but not burn out of control. One day, he’ll be like me, he’ll see the injustices of the world, he’ll have crying fits, he’ll insert himself in anything to make change and wear himself thin, and go mad trying to understand why other don’t have that sense of urgency and fire. I look forward to being his best friend then and telling him someone really understands what he’s going through. Something I wish I had.
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As I start to close out this rant, this multipage rant about prison and my son and shit, I don’t know if what I post really gets to people. I hope it does, I hope if nothing else, I get some people who acknowledge it like, maybe on Tumblr (I may be like among the last people with Tumblr who uses it religiously). Anyways, I just wanted to share some of my hole thoughts as I sit for this bogus DR for not letting them force me to break my fast to give them a UA sample. Fuck these pigs yo, I won’t compromise my faith for some piglet, I’m just upset this cuts into my tattoo time, I was gonna have a full shirt by the end of April and working on socks up to my knees.
Oh, that reminds me: any artists out there, send me tattoo inspiration and I’ll get it tatted. Shoutout to the France collective that sent me the snake, I have it on my neck, but I’m open to ideas and art.
As I close, keep fighting for Palestine out there, don’t relent. This is no the time for “more talks” or sending envoys. This isn’t the time for virtue signaling. We can’t rely on Biden, the Gaza Strip was getting bombed and Obama didn’t say shit, that’s why I didn’t vote for him or the next one either. It’s up to us, you, me, we the people, boycott ANY establishment that supports Israel (that includes Starbucks for those who think they can’t live without it). Blockade the ports, don’t ship Israel shit we need to shut shit down like we did for Floyd, because like Floyd, these are our brother and our sisters, our sons and our daughters.
Borders divide us, but we are one human people and species, and we are dying, they’re killing us, why won’t we stop this? Why is this so hard? Stop bombing, stop killing us! Release the hostages, pull out of Palestine, hold independent elections and allow for a two state solution, return the occupied territories, but god, FIRST STOP KILLING US! It’s time for direct action, it’s the only thing they listen to, bring out the voice of the unheard, be as MLK Jr. said, “an injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere”. If it can happen there, it can happen here. So see your song, as I do when I see those kids fleeing for Rafah, see your mother, brother, daughter, they’re your family, friends, neighbors, they’re you.
Fight for Palestine, resist Israeli Occupation Forces and this genocide, call it what it is and condemn Israel. Riots are the voice of the unheard. Make them hear us, the U.S. and its allies need to stop supplying and supporting Israel, we have to make that happen, for the sake of our humanity. This isn’t war, it’s genocide, and shame on those governments in the Middle East staying ambivalent: Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon. Shame on Israel’s own citizens for taking so long to demand a ceasefire.
Free Palestine, from the river to the sea!
P.S. Shoutout to Bassem Youssef, your political satire was much needed, you inadvertently (even if momentarily) gave Palestinians a laugh, you brought it home and tripped up Peirce Morgan. You’re more than just your satire. I look forward to more of your comedy, but thank you for saying what needed to be said, I will keep your wife’s family in my prayers, like all Gazans.
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Edit: Addendum
Overnight, Israel murdered 7 people trying to provide aid to Gaza. After due diligence, coordinating their moves, using armored identifiable vehicles, they were still targeted and killed. To which Israel’s only reply is, “it’s unfortunate, but it happens in war”. Now, this is not new with any human aid in a war zone, especially not in Palestine, but the direct targeting and nonchalant attitude of the Israeli government, like “oh well”, is disgusting. Moreover, these aid workers consist of americans, canadians, britons, palestinians and others. So it directly impacted the international community, yet still Israel’s war of attrition and wanton violence is not being condemnded?! That’s why I say, they’re killing us, all of us.
Israel does not care about condemnation, the international community’s approval, nor do they care for the aid to Gazans. I beg you, mobilize your community, small town to big city, coast to coast, port to port; call out, disrupt, subvert in ANY way you can the aid the U.S. is providing to Israel. We can’t rely on any government to force Israel to ceasefire, we need to take it into our own hands.
For all those who gave their lives for humanity’s sake, for providing aid to their fellow human, your work isn’t in vain, rest now. For those still out there stopping aid due to this, losing a close friend or comrade is hard, mourn them, celebrate them and their work, but don’t stop aid. Don’t allow Israel to bully you into submission, like they can do no wrong and no one can stand up to them. Don’t allow them to start out Gazans in their attempt at eradication and extermination. Fuck that, mourn the dead, fight like hell for the living. Those people still need aid, work still needs to be done. Somebody has to risk it, it’s worth the risk, if we still charge ahead. Guess what: they can’t bomb us all. They can’t kill every aid worker, let them try the excuse “they’re using aid workers as human shield”. If that doesn’t infuriate the international community, I don’t know what will.
But I digress, don’t stop aid, this is a huge risk, but there’s no greater cause that the care to serve others, to give one’s life in the service of others. So keep it going, and everyone find ways to subvert and pressure the world community, fight back against this egregious act of genocide. We must achieve a ceasefire and we will not be deterred by Israel’s terrorizing acts of violence.